Sometimes my days are so busy I forget I’m me.

And I might be addicted to it…

So, it is nearly 11pm. My body feels physically exhausted. I’ve been up and going since 4:30 this morning and my brain is still buzzing.

I don’t want to stop working.

I know I should cool down. I know I should disconnect, but it feels so good to be productive.

It’s like a dopamine hit all day.

It feels so good to throw myself into work.

It’s like I’m scared for it to stop because then the sadness might come. The loneliness might set in. I don’t want to feel that. I want to stay here, in happy productive land.

I’m sure this is some grief response.

And, now that I’ve mentioned grief, I also want to share that there’s been so much I’ve wanted to write about…but I didn’t want to go there. To that heavy sadness & gut-punching grief that usually gets me writing.

This time, right now, my writing is not tainted with grief, but I’m putting it in my grief blog…It’s also pure avoidance. I am happy right now. I feel like this is secretly another kind of work for myself. So, I’m getting one more hit before bed.

before the quiet loneliness of the thoughts in my head, before I’m surrounded by literal and figurative darkness.

Could I spiral out? What’s the worst case scenario?

I’d say I’m asking for a friend, but you all know it’s a lie. I’m asking for me.

Thank you,

Kristine